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In general, finding information free on search engines requires a lot of patience and is time consuming. Free websites most likely provide only limited information if you are searching for something important. The best choice is to buy it because bought information is usually written by specialists and is copyrighted. [August 13, 2008 10:25:46 am] By Chic Ngo
Does Having a Secret World Keep You From Healing Sexual Abuse?
By Seth Lepore
Martin's first experience going to a strip club was his 21st birthday. By the time Martin was 23 he was frequenting several clubs on a weekly basis. He thought this was normal enough behavior until he got involved in his first "real" relationship. He decided to hide this part of his life entirely from his partner.
What was worse was the guilt he felt as he lied about long hours at work, hanging out with friends, or other obligations that didn't exist.
What is the purpose of a Male Survivor keeping secrets?
Simply put, the purpose of keeping secrets is power. During your abuse you were either directly threatened or subtly coerced into secrecy about your abuse. Whatever tactic was used kept the perpetrator in the power position.
You learned how to keep a secret about a very powerful experience. Now you use that skill in order to take back the power that was stolen from you. However, the secret world that you keep (and refuse to give up) is one that is wound up in guilt and shame.
Why is having a secret world so important for Sexual abuse survivors?
As a survivor, the loss of control felt during an abusive situation continues into adult life and shows up in the day-to-day decisions that you make. You may have overwhelming situations at home, work and in friendships that consciously or unconsciously remind you of the abuse. This does not always make logical sense. Your secret world helps to alleviate the stress and sense of overwhelm that seems "out of control".
You may indulge in drinking, gambling, drug use, pornography, compulsive masturbation, massage parlors, overworking, promiscuity, excessive procrastination or a variety of other methods to control the pain. The fact that you get away with these secrets may make the impulse to do them greater and in more intense circumstances that have the possibility of exposing you.
In many ways you are re-living your traumatic experiences, this time from the position of power but the person being abused is the same: yourself.
How does living with secrets compromise your success and intimate relationships?
The foremost person that your secret world affects is you. You may put yourself in compromising situations that could dangerously affect your health and safety. You know this to be true but the urge to indulge does not seem optional.
If your secret is "found out" you may feel incredibly defensive of protecting it and may try to shut out the person who has discovered your double life. You deeply wish to find comfort in someone who understands that you are not a bad person, not weak. This, though, seems impossible.
What are the steps to sharing your secret word with someone else?
Trust is the key word. Trust was another key component that was damaged during your abuse. You may feel that there is no one whom you can depend on beside yourself and that burden weighs heavily on you.
Here are some steps towards safely confiding in another person:
1. Set aside some time to write about your secret world. This is a personal journal that no one else ever needs to see. The first person you need to get honest with is yourself. Write about every aspect of why having this secret is important, how it makes you feel and what it would be like to not have it hidden any longer.
2. Write the words Trust and Unconditional Love at the top of a page as separate columns. Now write down anyone who you know that you feel you would trust with this sensitive information. Do the same for people you feel unconditionally love you.
If you draw blanks on either of these lists don't panic. The ability to trust and feel love has been tainted by the abuse. This exercise is merely a way to get specific about the people in your life that are close to you.
3. Contact a counselor who is compassionate to the complexities of child sexual abuse, and in particular male survivors. It is of the utmost importance that you work with someone who is not judgmental of your choices. Having a third party who holds your experience in confidence can lessen the feeling of being exposed.
I work with most clients by phone, which is also helpful in terms of anonymity, as sometimes "facing" someone else about these issues is difficult.
Wait a Minute...
"I thought that everyone kept secrets of some kind? What makes mine different?"
Although the gap between a little white lie and betrayal is vast, the main difference of a male survivor's secrets is the perpetuation of sexual dysfunction.
The double life you lead and the compromises you make in order to hide this secret world is simply exhausting. The fact that exposing your secret world would have a detrimental effect on your life feels very real, however it is a choice that will ultimately free you from the confines of the abuse.
"I've had a secret world for so long. I don't know if I can stop."
This is normal. It is beyond a simple urge or craving. Keeping the secret seems absolutely necessary. Having to hide, to not tell, for fear of being exposed, ostracized or judged far outweighs the desire to either stop or to seek out help.
The learned behavior of keeping secrets can be unwound and understood. You can find a sense of peace and comfort in sharing the details of your hidden self with a trusted ally in your healing process.
Martin Decides to Change
After months of hiding his strip club outings from his partner, his need to go got worse. It was almost becoming a daily occurrence that he found himself in a new club. He started to experience panic attacks and have flashbacks of his sexual abuse.
Martin decided to seek help. As he slowly started to talk about his secret life with his counselor he began to see how his strip club fascination was a way of acting out the power dynamics he had with his perpetrator.
He slowly began to see the patterns: the specific way of hiding his emotions, the guilt he felt for having sexual desire and how he held himself responsible for being abused. He understood for the first time that he needed to forgive himself.
In Summary
Underneath the secrecy that Male Survivors keep are the complicated feelings and thoughts surrounding the abuse. In short, you were put into a state of dire terror and are making decisions from that place.
When anything reminds you of the abuse you may decide to use your secret world to escape the overwhelm, even if it causes you to feel worse afterwards. The way to get through this is to talk it out. You go slowly with a counselor that you trust.
You can heal the abuse, have extraordinary connections with friends, family and sexual partners and have a rewarding career. All of these things are possible. You can lead a life where secrets feel like options instead of necessity.
What's Next?
If you would like to learn more about healing sexual abuse from a male perspective, subscribe to my free newsletter at http://healingthesurvivor.com
My name is Seth Lepore. I am an Intuitve Counselor who works with Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse. You can sign up for my free newsletter at Healing the Survivor. You can reach me directly at seth(at)healingthesurvivor.com.
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